Can't write. Must write...........Penguins.

This. Blows. I have so many ideas, thoughts and emotions that are as real as this constant stomach ache I have cause I eat to much dairy. But when it comes time to express these emotions have zilch. I'm in the process of getting over depression, or rather entering into more of an emotional balance. I think that is. I'm not quite there yet. In fact I'm pretty sure I've just started what every the hell kind of soul searching episode I am on. I think the God is finally asking me to deal with really deep stuff. But I don't know what this stuff is. At least I think I don't. I probably know more than I think I do but again, I'm having trouble with the expression piece and well, art kind of needs that. I am so discontent. I don't even want the greener grass content. Other than my amazing wife (who puts up with a lot of my emotional episodes) I would be at a loss. There are things I want to blame this season on, but there are things I know I need to own. Honestly, I don't want to do either. I want to sit in a endless jacuzzi lazy river. That is what I want to do. 

About 3 months ago, I heard something from a pastor that caught me off guard. He said "Brady, I need to say sorry...you see I have been trying to get you to read the Bible like you are a engineer, but your not a engineer." Excuse me, did you...a pastor, just say you were sorry? What ever just or unjust frustration I had vanished in a second. I felt like in one sentence this man just realized something I have struggled with my whole life. He didn't use it as an agenda starter, or a guilt tactic. He just said it and probably has no clue how much it meant to me to hear a pastor of church say something like that. 

I'm still fighting this. I feel (I know, "feel" is an uncomfortable word in todays church world for some reason) like the church is trying to make me an engineer. Even the art needs to make sense, organized in nice black or blue ink.

Question of the day. If I'm a penguin, and my community of other penguins, seagulls, and pelicans (???) tell me that the higher you fly determines the level of faith you have, maturity you have, contentment you have and of course safety you have from the big bad world. How, in their elevated bird skulls are they surprised when all the penguins get eaten? Soon your community doesn't have penguins. Surprise... really?

Damn Polar bears.

Feelings. A pet? Or a knife in the back?

What the hell is with this thing we call feelings?  I can't seem to get the hang of them. I'm like the Mr. Bean of feelings. Here is a little fun fact, being a people pleaser and also a feeler is a pretty miserable combo. 10/10 times you feel like flying the double bird high enough so that everyone can see your majestic double duece! But most of the time, you say sorry cause that is easier and you don't want people to be mad at you. Not terrible, just miserable.

See, I hear it's not good to suppress emotion and I would agree with that BUT, this my friends is the boot camp I am in. Pretty sure all I have ever done is suppress my emotions thinking i was controlling it. I'm starting to realize that doing that confuses life to the mother max because your not only confusing the hell out of people your closest to, but you are confusing the hell out of yourself. 

Why am I upset? What about this situation is making me upset? Who knows? I sure don't. This is what it does. Your just an emotional basket case and to make matters worse no one knows how to help you. I mean, it's much more complicated then it sounds, throw in a ton of insecurity, a dash of depression, and add the cynicism on top and you have the recipe for a crap sandwich. But this is me. This crap sandwich is me, and I will admit that. I just don't really know what life looks like actually dealing with what I am feeling. Not dismissing it, and not letting other people dismis it, (that's hard for me). Dealing with what I feel, what is in front of me. I've been treating "feelings" like a pet or a knife in the back. I don't think they should be either. Keep your feelings on a leash like a good pet... You let them off? Now you pissed someone off? Damn you Brady, now you got to focus on getting the knife out of your back that you put there.

Yikes. I need a paper bag.

Big Church. Big Family. Big Feelings.

I am one of 9. All a na tur al. My mother...what a woman am I right! Honestly, growing up in a big family had less impact on me as a child than it does right now. That is a strange thing to say, but the reason I say that is cause I was an oblivious child. Seriously...our house could be in the middle of getting sucked through a black hole while being haunted by poltergeists and all I would be worried about is how I am going to get this wrapper of the Popsicle in my hand. It wouldn't be til latter and I mean like 20 years later that I realized the danger I was in. Obviously I am over exaggerating a bit. Black holes and poltergeists never happened unfortunately, but my childhood and I would even say my teenage years have started to creep up on my like a wave of feelings and emotions I didn't see coming. There are countless stories (A LOT OF STORIES) that I love about my child hood, I was such an oaf, and those will come another day. Today I just needed to write about a correlation I had with being in a big family and a big church.

Being in a big family, you learn a lot about sharing, hand me downs, no privacy, and something I like to call convenient identity. Continent identity is what it is, You are what you are because it was the closest thing you can grab and made sense. This becomes a normal way of life, you don't really think about things much. Things being passions, talents, emotions, quirks, dislikes ect... This is so second nature that you almost don't even recognize that you aren't really being yourself. Things just happen because things just happen. This way of thinking is a nightmare for dealing with hurts and pains. When you are hurting you are just hurting and no one is at fault nor is there ever a need for justice. When someone wrongs you, they say sorry and that is it, nothing more needs to be done because saying sorry is the end all fix all solution. If you are still hurt by what they did, now it's your issue and that is that. Fix it. I find myself in a place where I haven't really thought about what makes me...me. Dad and mom have to make time for all 9 of us... on top of working, taking care of the house, and all the other fun things. I just came to the realization, and I don't know when I did, that there just wasn't enough time for me to be me. Dad and mom were busy and most of the time I wasn't allowed to do what I wanted to do. Rock music and video games were a no no. Are those petty things? Maybe, not for a ten year old, but I had to figure out what was "okay" for me to be and what was not "okay".

I can't help but feel the same way in my church family. I am told how a mature christian should live. I am told how a mature christian should worship. I am told what the bible says and the bible is the fix all end all solution in life. A mature christian doesn't let petty things like worship music and biblical teachings be a reason for leaving a church. A mature christian can sacrifice what he/she enjoys because not everyone likes what I do. A mature christian can't support same sex marriage. A mature christian can't let their emotions make the decisions. A mature christian can't be any kind of extreme but in the middle.

I am an awful christian and a worse human being. But I still hear the still small voice calling me and that I can't ignore. But I don't know if I want to be a "mature christian".

I'm gonna go eat some pizza.