Can't write. Must write...........Penguins.

This. Blows. I have so many ideas, thoughts and emotions that are as real as this constant stomach ache I have cause I eat to much dairy. But when it comes time to express these emotions have zilch. I'm in the process of getting over depression, or rather entering into more of an emotional balance. I think that is. I'm not quite there yet. In fact I'm pretty sure I've just started what every the hell kind of soul searching episode I am on. I think the God is finally asking me to deal with really deep stuff. But I don't know what this stuff is. At least I think I don't. I probably know more than I think I do but again, I'm having trouble with the expression piece and well, art kind of needs that. I am so discontent. I don't even want the greener grass content. Other than my amazing wife (who puts up with a lot of my emotional episodes) I would be at a loss. There are things I want to blame this season on, but there are things I know I need to own. Honestly, I don't want to do either. I want to sit in a endless jacuzzi lazy river. That is what I want to do. 

About 3 months ago, I heard something from a pastor that caught me off guard. He said "Brady, I need to say sorry...you see I have been trying to get you to read the Bible like you are a engineer, but your not a engineer." Excuse me, did you...a pastor, just say you were sorry? What ever just or unjust frustration I had vanished in a second. I felt like in one sentence this man just realized something I have struggled with my whole life. He didn't use it as an agenda starter, or a guilt tactic. He just said it and probably has no clue how much it meant to me to hear a pastor of church say something like that. 

I'm still fighting this. I feel (I know, "feel" is an uncomfortable word in todays church world for some reason) like the church is trying to make me an engineer. Even the art needs to make sense, organized in nice black or blue ink.

Question of the day. If I'm a penguin, and my community of other penguins, seagulls, and pelicans (???) tell me that the higher you fly determines the level of faith you have, maturity you have, contentment you have and of course safety you have from the big bad world. How, in their elevated bird skulls are they surprised when all the penguins get eaten? Soon your community doesn't have penguins. Surprise... really?

Damn Polar bears.