I am one of 9. All a na tur al. My mother...what a woman am I right! Honestly, growing up in a big family had less impact on me as a child than it does right now. That is a strange thing to say, but the reason I say that is cause I was an oblivious child. Seriously...our house could be in the middle of getting sucked through a black hole while being haunted by poltergeists and all I would be worried about is how I am going to get this wrapper of the Popsicle in my hand. It wouldn't be til latter and I mean like 20 years later that I realized the danger I was in. Obviously I am over exaggerating a bit. Black holes and poltergeists never happened unfortunately, but my childhood and I would even say my teenage years have started to creep up on my like a wave of feelings and emotions I didn't see coming. There are countless stories (A LOT OF STORIES) that I love about my child hood, I was such an oaf, and those will come another day. Today I just needed to write about a correlation I had with being in a big family and a big church.
Being in a big family, you learn a lot about sharing, hand me downs, no privacy, and something I like to call convenient identity. Continent identity is what it is, You are what you are because it was the closest thing you can grab and made sense. This becomes a normal way of life, you don't really think about things much. Things being passions, talents, emotions, quirks, dislikes ect... This is so second nature that you almost don't even recognize that you aren't really being yourself. Things just happen because things just happen. This way of thinking is a nightmare for dealing with hurts and pains. When you are hurting you are just hurting and no one is at fault nor is there ever a need for justice. When someone wrongs you, they say sorry and that is it, nothing more needs to be done because saying sorry is the end all fix all solution. If you are still hurt by what they did, now it's your issue and that is that. Fix it. I find myself in a place where I haven't really thought about what makes me...me. Dad and mom have to make time for all 9 of us... on top of working, taking care of the house, and all the other fun things. I just came to the realization, and I don't know when I did, that there just wasn't enough time for me to be me. Dad and mom were busy and most of the time I wasn't allowed to do what I wanted to do. Rock music and video games were a no no. Are those petty things? Maybe, not for a ten year old, but I had to figure out what was "okay" for me to be and what was not "okay".
I can't help but feel the same way in my church family. I am told how a mature christian should live. I am told how a mature christian should worship. I am told what the bible says and the bible is the fix all end all solution in life. A mature christian doesn't let petty things like worship music and biblical teachings be a reason for leaving a church. A mature christian can sacrifice what he/she enjoys because not everyone likes what I do. A mature christian can't support same sex marriage. A mature christian can't let their emotions make the decisions. A mature christian can't be any kind of extreme but in the middle.
I am an awful christian and a worse human being. But I still hear the still small voice calling me and that I can't ignore. But I don't know if I want to be a "mature christian".
I'm gonna go eat some pizza.
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